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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24627220">Going Back the Way We've Come</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_RS/pseuds/Obsessive_RS'>Obsessive_RS</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl (TV 2007)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 11:19:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24627220</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_RS/pseuds/Obsessive_RS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dan." She whispers in a hushed tone, hands gripping to her elegant gown, not able to fix her gaze on one part of his vacant face.</p><p>"Waldorf." He replies, dryly.</p><p>Oh how the tables have turned.</p><p>(Post Season 5 AU)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chuck Bass/Blair Waldorf, Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf, Nate Archibald/Serena van der Woodsen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>136</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. All the Choices We Make</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello everyone! I know I'm a bit late to the party, but I hope you enjoy this three parted fanfiction! The next part will be posted in 10 days. :))<br/>I originally meant to post this as a one shot, but I decided aganist it. However, be sure I'll update regularly.</p><p>The original character is based on my best friend, I really love her and I hope you like her too. :)) </p><p>So read and enjoy! Please leave comments and kudos if you want. :))</p><p>(Forgive me for any possible errors. :(( )</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She chooses Chuck.</p><p>Dan already knows it before Serena waves her phone in front of him, but somehow, the written words make him nauseous and a lump builds up inside his throat fast; he swallows and swallows but breathing doesn't get easier.</p><p>"I don't know who you are anymore." He says, and the tears forming in Serena's eyes give him some sort of cruel satisfaction.</p><p>He doesn't remember how he gets out of the hotel and into the street, how he passes by stores and lights and signs and unlocks the door to the loft. The blur is calming to him, an escape from being trapped inside his own mind. That is where he spends the most of his time anyway, a locked cage with a strict guard that never lets him out.</p><p>A sudden urge builds up inside him, the idea to smash something passing through his head continuously. Anything she has ever touched seems like a good option, from the coffee mugs to his laptop. Audrey Hepburn, he thinks, laughing bitterly. </p><p>A bottle of beer turns into two, and then three; and when he's out of them, vodka is the obvious next choice.</p><p>Sometime along the drawn out night, his dad comes home. Dan tries to make out the words he is saying, yet it all appears to be a dream, a helping hand created by his own mind to drag him out of the mud. Only when familiar fingers run through his hair and the other man's arms wrap around his, he realises it is real. He is a kid with a scratched knee again.</p><p>"Not a good night for Humphrey men." the voice echoes through the room, through his tired soul.</p><p>------</p><p>The next days are surreal to him. The concerned looks Rufus gives him, the ones he himself shoots back at his dad. The not so disappointed Jenny telling him he is too good for 'that bitch' anyway. Consistent texts from Nate, starting as held back concern, soon turning into sheer dread. 'I'm calling Jenny.', the last one reads. It amuses Dan, how Nate thinks this will trigger him.</p><p>Serena apologizes in a long email. He finds it easy to blame her, torture her with words he knows how to use; with each dagger he puts inside her wounds, his own pain easing down a little. It's brutal while effective.</p><p>He doesn't hear from <em> her</em>. Unsubscribes from gossip girl, deletes her old texts, emails, photos. The irritating voice inside his head accuses him of being a coward, a ball-less teenager again, but he is mastering in not listening to it. </p><p>Whatever helps him through the pain is welcome.</p><p>He decides to go to Rome on his own, his closet getting emptier by each day, his suitcase fuller. The extra ticket keeps weighing on his soul; he has to get rid of it, maybe tear it, maybe burn it, maybe flush it down the toilet. Yet it sits on the kitchen counter, mocking him every minute. 'Alone and pathetic', it keeps screaming.</p><p>His dad says no to his offer. "I can't leave New York right now. Lily and I have a lot of unfinished business."</p><p>Dan stumbles through days. He for one never really cared about being alone, about not having someone to shower with sentiment. That was an upside to being a writer, he could pour it all through pages, lines, words. Yet his pen had dried, he couldn't even type a simple text.</p><p>Two days before his flight, he leaves the loft for the first time since the night at the hotel. The streets are swarming with people, all slowly changing into summer dresses and shorts, him on the other hand, wearing tight jeans and a long sleeved shirt. Warm is safer, he feels dead cold inside anyway.</p><p>He doesn't purposely endup in a neighborhood he might run into her, but when he does, he embraces it. A part of him wishes he can look into her eyes again and maybe make out an emotion in them. A hint of regret, an inkling she chose the wrong man. But he's finally learned what he's always been told; <em> ‌If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. </em></p><p>A day before his flight, he winds up calling Nate back. "I'm fine, man. No need to open that door with my sister again."</p><p>Nate chuckles, his laugh as boyish as most of his other qualities. "You will leave for Rome then?"</p><p>Dan makes a confirming humming sound, knowing if he says the word, he might be lying.</p><p>The next morning he wakes up from a lucid nightmare. He's running after Blair, crying her name out, her not hearing him. Right before he gives up, she turns around and smiles coldly, spitefully. 'Brooklyn is too far away anyway.' she says.</p><p>An hour before he leaves with his bags, he is sitting on his bed, looking around the room and saying goodbye. Cedric's eyes are still judging, blaming him for all the mistakes it has witnessed him make. <em>'Do you feel that? It's like someone's watching us.' </em></p><p>He can't pin down the exact moment he decides to type that text, and maybe he doesn't even try too hard. The writer in him wants to make it schmaltzy and long, his sensible part however, takes the lead and makes it short and to the point.</p><p>'We can still be friends. It'll take some time, but it doesn't have to be like this. Call me.'</p><p>Half an hour before he gets on the plane, there is still no response. So he stands up, walks to the nearest trash can and shreds the second ticket into pieces, throwing each piece away, along with a hopeful part of him.</p><p>The plane takes off with him in his seat, looking out the closed window.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>'We can still be friends. It'll take some time, but it doesn't have to be like this. Call me.'</p><p>She reads the text the minute she gets it. And then she reads it again, and again, until she can hear his somehow croaky voice. Smell his earthy cologne. See his dark curls.</p><p>Chuck calls her name from upstairs and something shakes loose inside of her. A sort of happiness combined with unease, a hint of agony even.</p><p>She is getting whatever she has always wanted. The boy, the job, the life. But the hollow pit is still there, throbbing inside her stomach. The idea that it may be filled by Dan terrifies her, because he is gone and she has made a choice. A choice she has to stick to.</p><p>She deletes the text and calls back; "Coming babe."</p><p>------</p><p>The minute Serena drops her head down, Blair knows she is going to apologize. A light bite on her lower lip, a shaky deep breath and Serena confesses. About how history has repeated itself.</p><p>The anger Blair feels is horrifying to her, Because why should she care? She had been on her way to another man when this happened, apparently.  </p><p>So she bites down the rage boiling inside her and shakes her head indifferently. "I don't care, S."</p><p>The blurry picture of Serena and Dan  hunts her that night, lying next to Chuck, his breath on her bare shoulder. Is this what happiness feels like? She is mortified by the one answer that seems the most plausible.</p><p>The doubts will go away, they always do.</p><p>-------</p><p>Running her mother's company turns out to be much harder than she had anticipated. She is focused, hardworking, always carrying an impeccable plan, yet something seems to be missing. Like a dash of salt missing from a fantastic stew.</p><p>"You need to take more risks." Chuck says one night at dinner, giving her a reassuring smile that for a reason, disturbs her. She shakes her head no, enjoying the way his face suddenly crumples.</p><p>"Why not?" He asks, and Blair doesn't really have a reason other than that she just wanted to disagree with him.</p><p>She calls Dorota and orders dessert, avoiding Chuck's blue eyes that seem to be burning a hole through her.</p><p>That night Chuck is more aggressive in bed, trying to claim her body his, even if he can't have her mind.</p><p>------</p><p>Right about when Blair makes a bold decision in her work and talks herself into going through with it, a phone call is made and she hardly keeps herself from screaming Chuck's name when she hangs up.</p><p>"I. Am. Not. For. Sale. Chuck."</p><p>He doesn't try to explain or deny, simply walks towards her and closes the door to block the curious looks from his secretary.</p><p>Blair is too furious to give him a chance to come up with an explanation. "You think you can buy me?" More of a throw of a glove than a question.</p><p>The fake confused look he gives her is too familiar, taking her years back, the night she had accused him of selling her to his uncle.</p><p>"I'm not handing over my mother's-" she stops, shaking her head, "No, <em> my </em>company to you sorry excuse of a human. That empire is mine, Chuck. Not yours." She hisses, "Try to come to terms with it."</p><p>"They promised the buyer would be anonymous."</p><p>Her eyes burn suddenly. She blinks repeatedly, crying is not an option. Not in front of Chuck Bass, not when she has no one but herself to help protect her from him. It sets her spirit on fire, how she is devoted to a man she can never fully trust.</p><p>The trick is to stay far away enough to enjoy the heat, but not get herself burnt.</p><p>------</p><p>Calling someone she had hated for most of her young adult life turns out to be exceedingly more undemanding than she guessed. By the second beep, Jenny Humphrey picks up the phone and agrees to her offer without much hesitation. Both women seem aware of how their war is over and the solid peacefire set between them will not break easily.</p><p>Jenny pleads a few arrangements Blair has no difficulty setting up, so a date is specified and a virtual hand is shaken.</p><p>"How is Humphrey by the way?" Blair finds herself asking right before hanging up, and it rolls off her tongue much harder than she had anticipated.</p><p>Jenny, never making a conversation easy to have, retorts shortly, "Which one?"</p><p>"Dan."</p><p>The name hangs in the air around her, like a forbidden word, a dirty language not meant to be used by children.</p><p>"Fine. Doesn't say hi."</p><p>Fucking Humphrey family. Never tiptoeing around harsh words.</p><p>------</p><p>By the next three months, her company's sales triple and she manages to buy another store; this one, much to everyone's surprise, located in Brooklyn.</p><p>That night, over a plate of Pollo Saltado, Chuck interrogates her thoroughly. "Why Brooklyn?"</p><p>She puts a small piece of beef in her mouth, washing it down with a sip of wine. "Why not?" she replies back, mockingly.</p><p>"Can they even appreciate fine <em> art </em> such as yours?"</p><p>She doesn't know what pushes her into saying the words she does; maybe seeing the young blonde that morning, bent over a table, cursing under her breath has brought on too many memories of the girl's brother. "I knew one that could, more than all of you combined."</p><p>Chuck's glare is demanding, like all the times she leaves him waiting for a more displeasing word to come out her mouth, so he can be rageful at her for a proper reason.</p><p>"How <em>is</em> Humphrey by the way?" he challenges her, a pucker lightly forming between his eyebrows.</p><p>She takes another bite and smiles sweetly. "None of them say hi."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Hi." He says, ignoring the clock on his nightstand showing 3:32 a.m.</p><p>"Have you eaten, son?" </p><p>With a look at the remainders of the take out on his kitchen table, Dan wets his lips and mutters a drowsy 'yes'.</p><p>Their conversation carries out for more than 15 minutes before Dan gets to asking about Jenny. "How's she doing? Happy she's back?"</p><p>"Couldn't be happier. And couldn't be more conspicuous about it." the man replies, laughing, "Lily and I can't stand her some days. It's 'Blair this, Blair that' more than we can tolerate."</p><p>He regrets taking a moment longer than necessary to react, since predictably, his dad reads into it.</p><p>"Sorry, son. Didn't mean to remind you of her."</p><p>He chuckles, shaking his head. "It's not a dirty word, dad. You can say her name." </p><p>And maybe remind is a wrong word to use, considering she never leaves his mind.</p><p>------</p><p>Nate keeps him posted about things he thinks are safe. His newly blossomed relationship with Serena. Details on how Lily cried when Rufus proposed again. Bart Bass missing, no one caring where he is. Jenny's face on Waldorf Designs magazine with the title 'youngest designer of the month'. Eric returning to live with Jenny in the loft. The newest store opened only a block from his former home, filled with clothes Jenny has designed.</p><p>"What?" Dan asks, astonished. </p><p>From the way a heavy silence lingers between them, He knows Nate has slipped the story out unwillingly and is striving to get it to pass by.</p><p>"You haven't heard? It's not that big of a deal really, I'll tell you later-"</p><p>"Talk already." Dan demands, decisively.</p><p>So Nate explains, discreetly picking the plainest words and shortest sentences possible. Dan pays an unusual amount of attention to all of it, absorbing every word in but trying to leave any sentiment out.</p><p>A flicker of hope is lit somewhere inside his home-sick heart, heat creeping on his sun kissed skin. However, he has gotten a flair for swallowing down the lumps forming in his throat, be they sad or happy ones.</p><p>"Huh. A terrible waste of her money, I assume." He hurls back.</p><p>Nate sighs, wearily. "That's what Chuck said."</p><p>Dan's high pitched snigger catches him off guard. "I guess Blair Waldorf has a type after all."</p><p>------</p><p>On a tedious evening, he finds himself  ordering a beer, listening to an Italian jazz song. It sits well with him, the bitter yet fresh taste of the liquid filling his mouth, and the sharp song numbing his ears.</p><p>Girls come and go around him, some offering to buy him a drink, some slipping a small piece of paper in front of him, some simply giving him a flirtatious smile. The only one that stands out is the one that asks him a question he has been asking himself for some time now.</p><p>"Why so broody?"</p><p>Long black curls. Her forehead covered with bangs. Full crimson lips. Multiple earrings on her pierced ears. A smile that shows all of her white teeth.</p><p>He half laughs, half frowns. "You speak english. That's refreshing."</p><p>The girl smiles and speaks again, a hint of an accent revealing itself, "But I'm from Prague. Sorry."</p><p>The smile on his lips widnes, the small dimple on his cheek appearing for the first time in a while. He points his head to the barattander and mutters something barely audible. Short after, a bottle of beer is sitting in front of her, sweating on the wooden counter. She leans closer to him, breathing close to his ear.</p><p>"So, do you come with a name?"</p><p>Dan is now full on laughing, not having met anyone asking this many questions in a bar without sounding tacky. "You ask too many questions;" he says, "and I'm Dan."</p><p>She takes a sip of her beer and licks her lips. "Good to meet you, broody Dan. I'm Hasti."</p><p>He gazes at her knowing smile and smirks. "I guess your introduction is usually followed by a question?"</p><p>"It means 'life'." She explains, chewing on a piece of lemon, her face puckering up, "It's Persian."</p><p>He shakes his head, running a hand through his wild black curls. "You just get more and more interesting."</p><p>The night is still young.</p><p>------</p><p>Life doesn't get easier for him, it only gets more worth living. There is light, music, dance, scents of different spicy foods, and words, words spilling out of his head and into his pen wherever he goes, whatever he does. So he savours it, breathes the air he doesn't remember ever being so thin.</p><p>They dance badly under pouring rain, eat suspiciously greasy pizzas, give a 20 euro bill to a kid playing guitar on a shadowy corner. She even kisses him in front of Colosseum, smelling of Bellini, all sweet and fruity.</p><p>"You rarely make the first move, do you?"</p><p>He laughs, stunned, and takes a step back. "That obvious?"</p><p>Her chuckle is music like. "No wonder it's been so long since you've gotten some action." She states, a blaming expression on her face.</p><p>"Oh! For someone who English is her second language, you sure know your fair share of idioms."</p><p>She puts both her hands on his shoulders, climbing him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You never take a risk, do you?" She smiles widely, "Live boldly for a little. That's what I do."</p><p>He grins, tugging at a black lock resting on her forhead. "So <em> this </em> is your idea of living boldly? Kissing strangers under flickering street lights in the middle of the night?"</p><p>Her eyes shine with mischief. "We won't be strangers for long."</p><p>With a faint feeling of nostalgia running through him, Dan spins her around, both of them shrieking into the cold night.</p><p>------</p><p>"You are genuinely enjoying yourself there, aren't you?" Jenny asks, carpingly.</p><p>Dan removes a dirty plate from under his feet, before nearly stumbling on it, swearing under his breath. "Try and sound a bit more dejected, chance your arm." He says, shooing the dog he for some reason has agreed to watch for a couple of days.</p><p>Jenny's voice is somewhat lost through loud noises in the background, noises he can't quite make out.</p><p>"What the hell is that?"</p><p>He is responded with a shaky laugh, cut short by a loud chime. "Eric and I are playing a game in your room - well, his room I guess, I don't really know anymore." She stammers, "Eric do NOT do that! Hey! I said-"</p><p>He interupts her, pressing his chapped lips together, "You do know that I'm still coming back, right? Don't make a mess in <em> my </em> room."</p><p>"Do I know that?" She challenges him, a hint of hostility easily recognizable in her voice, "Because <em> you </em> were supposed to get back 5 months ago! I mean, dad even;" she pauses, shushing Eric, "He even planned a welcome back party for you! And you didn't really bother to call and say you're not returning. We sat there for hours, Dan! <em> Hours </em>."</p><p>"What?" He gasps, his jaw slacked.</p><p>She sighs, breathing deeply through her nose. "Just, tell me why you're still there, alright?"</p><p>He buries his face in one hand and exhales loudly. "I've been writing." He explains, faltering involuntarily, "And I have a sort - well, a sort of a muse thing going on here."</p><p>"Muse?" She snorts.</p><p>"Yes. Yes. Is that so bad? Am I crazy for doing this?"</p><p>Jenny's voice audibly softens, "No. You're not. Just, try and come home, Dan. Alright?" She pauses, "We miss you."</p><p>"My book is almost done, and she's leaving soon, so - so I'll probably be back in no time." He declares, dryly.</p><p>"You're going to run after her and proclaim your love, right? I hear it in your voice." She says, mockingly.</p><p>"Fuck off, Jennifer."</p><p>The dog barks in protest.</p><p>------</p><p>His dad almost tries to spin him around when they hug, but eventually settles for a forceful path on his back.</p><p>"You're so tan!" Serena exclaims, nudging his shoulder.</p><p>"Yeah well, I'm more of a catch than ever."</p><p>Nate throws his hands up in the air, a fake frown on his face. "Stop flirting with my girlfriend, man."</p><p>Dan laughs - a sincere one- and shakes his head. "I couldn't be more pathetic, dude. Cut me some slack."</p><p>"True that." Eric yells back from the kitchen.</p><p>Rufus puts a big bowl of steaming mashed potatoes on the table, swinging his arm playfully. "Come sit down, children. Dinner is served."</p><p>"Children?" Jenny protests, a smirk creeping on her lips. "We're grown up. And you're getting old, dad. Embrace it."</p><p>"Oh thank you very much! My 20 year old daughter, ladies and gentlemen."</p><p>They all laugh, sitting behind the overly stocked table.</p><p>"Where's Lily?" Nate asks, cramming a large piece of Nacho in his mouth.</p><p>Serena smacks him, huffing a laughy breath out. "Chew!" She commands while jamming a napkin into his closed fist.</p><p>Rufus clears his throat. "She is going through some legal problems about Bart." A fake smile, "Again."</p><p>"How's Chuck?" Dan suddenly asks, enjoying the sheer shock appearing on all their faces.</p><p>"Uh, he is-" Eric tries, failing miserably.</p><p>Dan tosses a bean inside his mouth, chortling. "Just a mundane - <em> and </em> innocent - question. You can all breathe."</p><p>"He's Chuck Bass." Jenny suddenly says, "You know how that works."</p><p>He sneers at the words. "I do."</p><p>"Let's not talk about Chuck. Tell us about your book. When will it come out?" Serena asks.</p><p>"Uh, according to Alessandra, maybe in a month. <em> But </em>, I can maybe give you a first draft to read?"</p><p>Nate waves his hand impatiently. "Am I in it? You know, as a <em> whole </em> character."</p><p>Dan shakes his head no.</p><p>"What? Man!"</p><p>"None of you are in it. It isn't about us, It's about;" he clears his throat, "Someone I met."</p><p>Jenny's eyes dart at him, a piece of beef hanging from her fork. He slowly shakes his head, looking away. "Yes. A guy I met there, working in a bar."</p><p>"You wrote a book about a guy you met in a bar?" Rufus asks, raising his eyebrows.</p><p>"Yes." He nods, tapping his fingers on the wooden table, "So, how's New York?"</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"He's back then?" Blair half asks, while moving some magazines from her night stand to the desk. She looks around her old room, feeling more at home than ever since moving in with Chuck.</p><p>"Yes. Miss Serena said Mr. Lonely boy about to publish a new book." Dorota confirms, cautiously.</p><p>Blair's expression turns sour, a wave of unexpected jealousy washing through her. "Huh. Humphery seems to know what he's doing. 22 and having his second book published." She says, softly touching her blushed cheek, "Who would've thought <em> Humphrey </em>would be the most successful one;" She pauses, "Aside from me, of course."</p><p>Dorota's eyes turn away from her quickly, looking at an unseeable spot on the ceiling. "I should clean the thing on ceiling. I know you don't like when it's not shining, miss Blair."</p><p>Blair darts the maid a knowing look, pressing her lips together in annoyance. "Spill it, Dorota. I pay you to make my life more clear, not foggier."</p><p>Dorota's eyes seem to be popping out of her skull, as she absently rubs a dirty rag on her employer's wooden desk. "I heard you may have to ask Mr. Chuck for money to save your company." She explains, in a voice so low that gets Blair into thinking maybe she has imagined it.</p><p>"And who have you heard that from?" She defies the clearly panicked woman, yet she doesn't feel too bad about it; that's what years of practice has brought her, a soft but cold heart.</p><p>"Your mother."</p><p>Blair sniffles lightly, yanking the rag out of Dorota's fist. "This is filthy! Go wash it."</p><p>Her thoughts are so loud, she doesn't hear the shaky breath Dorota lets out when she leaves the room.</p><p>------</p><p>"He said WHAT?" Blair yells on the phone, something she seems to be doing too much for her liking in the past few days.</p><p>A trembling voice is mumbling the words on the other end of the line, the despair and fear clear in her tone making Blair angrier by second. "I do not care what he promised you, you less than a human idiot! Put Jenny Humphrey on."</p><p>The girl explains something in a muffled tone and Blair is now furious beyond control. "She's taken the day off to be with her brother? Well, screw her and her ass of a brother! Tell her not to bother showing up to work tomorrow. Pack her things and send them to <em> Brooklyn. </em>" She spits the last word out, before hanging up and throwing her phone on the bed.</p><p>"You okay?"</p><p>Blair turns around on her heels, getting herself together in three seconds it takes her to do so. "Serena! What a nice surprise!"</p><p>Serena throws up her eyebrows, smiling. "I could hear you yell when I got out of the elevator, Blair. Cut it out."</p><p>The brunette sighs involuntarily, throwing herself on the oh-so-comfortable mattress, hugging a pillow. "We're going through something at the company, but nothing <em> I </em>can't handle." She says, dryly.</p><p>The other girl lies beside her, gently stroking her hair, just like she used to do when they were in highschool. "I believe in you, B. I know you can get past anything." She says, "<em> But </em>, just in case you ever need any help, you should know you're not alone."</p><p>"I'm not asking Chuck for help." She states simply.</p><p>Serena shakes her head. "I wasn't talking about him. I meant me and Nate, you know we have money and we can help-"</p><p>"I know." She says, cutting the girl off, looking at her with glossy eyes.</p><p>They stay in silence for a few minutes, before Blair gathers up her courage and asks what has been eating inside her brain for two weeks. "How's Dan?"</p><p>Serena turns her head, now completely facing Blair. The brunette investigates her expression, and there is something lingering in it she can't quite make out; It alarms her in a bizarre way, her heart starting to pound faster in her heavy chest.</p><p>"He's fine; Busy, you know. With his book and the publisher and everything."</p><p>Blair nods awkwardly. "Yes, I remember the last time he went through it." She lets out a shallow breath, "Anyway, he better stick more to reality this time, I'm tired of paying for his fame with my dignity."</p><p>"It's not about us, B." Serena says, shifting her foot. Blair kicks it inadvertently, earning a soft sound of pain from her best friend. Their legs tangle together, and the warmth radiating from the other girl seems to work to Blair's benefit, as the uneasy shiver that keeps running through her, slows down.</p><p>"You okay?"</p><p>"Yes! Of course. Just relieved that Humphrey has started to find other people to harass on his journey to a so-called successful life."</p><p>Even if Serena reads into her lie, she doesn't say anything else. They quickly fall into a comfortable conversation about boys, with Serena revealing much too graphic details about her latest intimate moments with Nate, and for Blair who has gone through a number of them with the same guy, it never stops being disturbing.</p><p>"So how are you and Chuck?" She asks the question she always does, and Blair starts with the first step of her solid algorithm to answering this particular one - an algorithm that is used every time - no matter who asks it.</p><p>"We're fine. He's getting back next week, I think. I'm not sure."</p><p>"Oh." Serena exclaims, and the alarm in her voice sets Blair off.</p><p>"What?" She asks demandingly, running a hand through her now ruffled hair.</p><p>"Nothing!" Her friend shoots back, a blaming look in her eyes.</p><p>"Come on, S. Say it so I can deny it."</p><p>Serena hesitates for a moment, as if to determine whether it is worth arguing with her aggressive friend over, and seems to decide against it. "Nothing. Glad that he's coming back soon."</p><p>Blair exhales, feeling relief washing through her, even though she would never admit it to her friend. She knows Serena and her not always appreciable talent to yank the truth out of her, however unpleasant it may be. </p><p>"Are you coming to the ball?" The blonde asks after a number of peaceful quiet minutes, and Blair finds herself feeling an unjustified annoyance towards her for breaking it; her happy and full of sunshine of a friend, never seeming to understand Blair's need for grasping to life's handful moments of solitude.</p><p>"I think so." She answers, almost harshly, ignoring the hurt expression on Serena's face. "Why?"</p><p>"It's three days from now, and since Chuck's gone, I thought maybe-"</p><p>"I'm coming, S." She retorts back, dryly. "Chuck doesn't own me."</p><p>Serena exhales sharply through her clogged nose, blinking rapidly. "I <em> meant </em> since you don't have a date, maybe I can help you with that?"</p><p>A wave of affection suddenly hits Blair, a warm feeling of love creeping inside of her. Her certainty in Serena's friendship has grown back over the course of the past year, filling a void inside her she hadn't known existed. A look at the blonde's worried eyes gives her the confidence to blurt out emotions swimming at the surface of her heart.</p><p>"I'm scared, S." She finds herself confessing, and Serena seems to need more, as she tilts her head, her blue eyes shining in question. </p><p>"Of what, sweetie?"</p><p>Blair presses her eyes shut, a shaky sigh escaping her mouth. "Of being alone." She says and it is suddenly lifted off her shoulders, the baggage she didn't know she had been carrying around. "Chuck is invisible to me, S. I don't see him. Even when he's in front of me, or touching me, I can-" She cries out, "I can look right past him."</p><p>"B;"</p><p>"I mean, is that love? Because I remember it being different back then. These days I almost realise that I've maybe, in a way, grown out of him." She continues, ignoring her friend's calling of her name.</p><p>Serena's lips twist into a sad smile, with her raising a hand to stroke Blair's hair. She leans into the touch immediately, feeling the backs of her eyelids getting warm with tears. </p><p>"Why don't you just break up with him?"</p><p>Blair snorts. "Yes, because if I do that, I wouldn't spend the rest of my life alone." She looks at her finger, "Plus, I'm engaged, so there's no going back."</p><p>"What? That's insane, Blair and you know it. Who says you won't find someone else? And, really, when have you ever stopped chasing after what you want because of a <em> ring </em>?" Serena protests and Blair can't seem to stop herself from laughing at the girl's too familiar pep talk.</p><p>"I've tried it, remember? I just end up running back into his arms. Maybe," she takes a deep breath, "Maybe I'm just supposed to stick with him. It's probably destiny."</p><p>She hears the dullness that is hugging her words, but she can't seem to phrase her desperation any other way. There has never been a real deadend in her life, up until this point; This is where she knows her remarkable reputation must end, as there doesn't seem to be any way out of letting the waves of life drown her.</p><p>"That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard you say, Blair. You fight! You don't give in, that's not who you are."</p><p>Blair suddenly snaps, standing up from the bed, looking at Serena with hostility. "You sound overly optimistic, and sorry, but given everything that you've done wrong in your life, I can't help but not want to listen to you."</p><p>For a moment, it looks like Serena wants to get up and slap her, but surprisingly, she takes a deep breath and smiles sweetly. "That's rich, <em> given </em>the fact that all of this is really about Dan."</p><p>The blood in her veins seems to freeze, as she suddenly feels cold, staring at her friend in disbelief. "What?" </p><p>Serena stands up, walking towards her with long steps, "Well, none of us are idiots, and you are obvious, so;" She pauses, not saying what is clearly implied.</p><p>"So?" Blair questions anyway.</p><p>The blonde sighs, shaking her head. "Just talk to him, okay? Call him up, ask how he's doing, meet him for coffee." She says, "It's not as hard as you picture it to be."</p><p>Blair can feel her heart pounding faster. "I'm with Chuck." She argues, weakly.</p><p>Serena's eyes are shining. "You don't have to be."</p><p>Blait thinks she hears what the girl is saying.</p><p>------</p><p>The gown she chooses is dark navy blue, with spaghetti straps and a long asymmetrical skirt that is a little shorter in the front. She braids her hair into a fishtail, with shining straps knitted between them. With a deep burgundy lipstick, a faded gray eyeshadow and black high heels, she feels more than ready to show her face.</p><p>The ball room is the same one she had her cotillion in, yet it seems smaller than she remembers it to be. There are waiters serving champagne, and she finds herself huffing in annoyance. The drink tastes great, she doesn't have anything against it, yet it seems to be the only thing she drinks these days. From a charity gala to a museum opening, all too elegant to be ruined with heavier, more refreshing drinks.</p><p>"Hey!" A smiling Nate appears out of nowhere, offering her a hand to shake.</p><p>Blair scowls, squeezing his hand a little more than necessary. "Oh dear Archibald, I remember the days you used to kiss my hand hello."</p><p>Nate chuckles, his eyes darting between her and her ring covered finger. "I don't like to be beheaded by Chuck, and plus, I'm not trying to impress you anymore, so…"</p><p>She laughs. "Yes well, this is what growing up feels like, I guess." She states, looking at him fondly, "Anyway, I'm here alone, I don't feel like drinking champagne and I'm already bored, so I guess I am really getting old."</p><p>"So it's a good thing this thing has an open bar." He says, pointing at somewhere with his head.</p><p>Blair gasps in a dramatic way, slapping him lightly on the arm, "You know that Blair Waldorf does not get drunk at elegant parties."</p><p>"Yeah well, then order wisely."</p><p>Before she can answer, Nate spots his girlfriend in the crowd and excuses himself, leaving Blair in the middle of the cramming room.</p><p>She spends the next hour having polite small talks with nosey yet well hearted elder guests, answering their tiring questions about her company, repeating a well rehearsed half lie: "Yes, we are going through a bit of a hard time, but with our designers' new ideas, we are going to get back on track very soon."</p><p>After what seems to be an eternity, she can't take it anymore and gives in, walking towards the bar with slow, careful steps.</p><p>She orders an apple martini and drinks it descriptively, taking small gulps while watching the room with tired and watery eyes. One turns into two and then three, each pushing the walls she has built around herself a bit further down. </p><p>She likes to blame it on alcohol when she gasps loudly and stands up the moment she spots him beside her, maybe even the fact that his hair has gotten longer and his face thinner, or that he smells strongly of his earthy cologne, but it all seems like a lie, considering how her heart starts pounding faster and her breaths become shallower, leaving her looking like a deranged version of her always put together self.</p><p>"Dan." She whispers in a hushed tone, hands gripping to her elegant gown, not able to fix her gaze on one part of his vacant face.</p><p>"Waldorf." He replies, dryly.</p><p>Oh how the tables have turned.</p><p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Why do We Sacrifice the Beautiful Ones?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A whole lot of angst, I'm telling ya.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry about the looong delay. I'm in the middle of my final exams, and for the life of me, I don't know how I found it in myself to write this chapter.</p><p>Enjoy. :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Drink this, miss Blair. It is magic for hangover."</p><p>She must tell Dorota to stop shouting her lungs out, but her lips seem to be stuck together. Does she have to part them with a knife? Or scissors maybe, even though it sounds painful. Or maybe the sharp ray of sunlight will have to do, setting fire to her exposed skin.</p><p>"Come miss Blair, let me put this pillow under your head."</p><p>She groans in pain, because can this be her head Dorota is touching? It feels large, heavy, throbbing violently. Maybe a knife is needed after all, for her to cut her skull open with it and let some pressure pour out.</p><p>"What time is it?" She finally manages to mumble out, feeling her chapped lips start to burn. It is too soon for her to open her eyes, but it's fine, she can take small steps at a time.</p><p>"Almost noon."</p><p>Noon. That explains the flare of fire flowing on her sensitive skin, or maybe it's light, she can't really tell.</p><p>"Is anyone home?"</p><p>"No. Mr. Chuck still not come back."</p><p>She almost feels culpable for how relieving the statement sounds to her, sighing silently. The sudden comfortability encourages her to open her eyes, greeting the sunlight with a crooked smile.</p><p>"Bring me some coffee and a croissant, chop chop, Dorota." She lazily orders, stretching her arms while yawning, swallowing a gulp of purified air.</p><p>"Yes miss Blair." She hurriedly obbeys, leaving a tall glass filled with a green liquid on the nightstand.</p><p>Blair can almost feel herself about to gag, just by looking at what seems to be green mud with little pieces of snot swimming inside of it.</p><p>"What the hell is this?"</p><p>The nausea in her voice seems to alarm Dorota, as the woman quickly grabs the trash can, shoving it under Blair's chin. "Vomit it miss Blair. You had a lot of drink. Not good for liver-"</p><p>"Your disgusting excuse of a liquid got me wanting to puke, not my hangover." She interrupts, angrily, waving her hand dramatically, "Now go bring me coffee; <em> and </em> take this awful thing away from me, or you'll have to mop the ceiling today."</p><p>Dorota is out of the door in a heartbeat, leaving Blair with now intolerable yet vivid memories consuming her mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Dan." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Waldorf." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The impassiveness gripping to his tone brings Blair back to her senses, with her quickly hiding the somewhat joy she feels behind the closed lids of her eyes. </em>
</p><p><em> "I find it hard to believe that you're invited to </em> this <em> party." She says, calmly, mentally giving herself a thumbs-up. </em></p><p>
  <em> There is no sign of his usually playful grin or the regular amusement dancing in his glare, he looks only disturbingly blank. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Give my sister her job back." He plainly says, breathing soundly through his nose.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His demand angers her, the lack of rage or pain in his expression setting her off; his heart should be broken, and however stitched it might be, there still has to be blood leaking from somewhere under his shirt. However, it remains pale blue, the color of it in contrast with the red drink in front of her.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Why would I do that?" She makes the next move, and if there is one thing she can count on, is Dan's protectiveness of his sister. </em>
</p><p><em> He seems unimpressed. "Because you fired her for a leave of absence she </em> informed <em> the office manager she was going to take." </em></p><p><em> "And it is </em> my <em> company, so I can do whatever I want with anyone working for </em> me <em> ." </em></p><p>
  <em> "Don't you mean your mother's company?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His words cut deeper than they should, given how she has read the exact statement in various local newspapers. Maybe it is about how he has gone from smiling at her cruel comments, to striking back with cruler ones. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "You are blocking the view, Humphrey. Get out of my sight please."  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And for the rest of the night, he does. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Come on Dorota, hurry up!"</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>A box full of macarons. Peonies. Their good old grand gesture for each other. She has grown to hate loving it; with every gift he brings, a piece of her forgetting what it was like not to forgive, to hold him accountable for the mistakes he makes.</p><p>"How was your trip?" She asks, kissing him shortly on his lips, secretly wondering whether a short kiss had always felt this perfunctory.</p><p><em> Like petting a dog. </em> She remembers.</p><p>"Ah, nothing for you to worry about. Tell me, did you go to the dance?"</p><p>She feels the familiar annoyance scratching the insides of her chest, threatening to come out as a scream. The unnecessary secrecy Chuck always carries irritates her, even though it used to be amusing to her in highschool. </p><p>She nods, blinking rapidly. "Yes. It was mediocre, they hadn't really tried all that much. Can't expect much from those people, however."</p><p>He smiles.  "I am under the impression that no foolish man should try to satisfy Blair Waldorf with anything less than a royal party."</p><p>Blair honestly doesn't know if his words are a reference to all the problems with Louis; however, after 2 years she decides she doesn't really care. Maybe that's what growing up feels like, she is simply learning to let go of the questions she fears the answer to.</p><p>"I hear Humphrey's back." He says and his voice is so unnaturally low, Blair almost misses it. Surely Chuck will never see Dan as a threat, she thinks, she chose Chuck after all and left the other boy hanging with a burning question in his head.</p><p>"Brooklyn has one more pretentious hippie in its population, yes. But let's not waste our breaths talking about <em> Dan Humphrey </em> when we have our exciting party to worry about."</p><p>Chuck's eyebrows tangle together, as they always do when he is hit with a question he doesn't really care about the answer to. "What party?"</p><p>Blair feels slapped and looks at him with all the disbelief she can manage in her eyes, she wants him to know he has forgotten something unforgettable. "Our engagement party, Chuck. It is the most exciting party of the decade, even that cockroach Gossip Girl has admitted it."</p><p>"Oh yes, of course. Whatever you want, Blair. Order anything you want, book anywhere you want. I want you to have the best party of your life." He says, dismissively, kissing her on the cheek.</p><p>She suddenly feels the strong urge to pull at his sleeves and gain back his attention, that is what she does best, admittedly. She has gotten Chuck Bass, the bad boy, to commit to her, want her on his arms, which she considers her biggest accomplishment.</p><p><em> "No man can or magazine should be able to take that away from her." </em> She remembers Dan saying, and pushes the thought to the back of her head, along with the annoyance she has momentarily felt.</p><p>"Don't you worry about that. I know what I am doing, Chuck. People will feel like they are living at dumpsters and eating garbage after my party."</p><p>In a way, she has accepted that it is <em> hers </em> more than it is <em> theirs </em>.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"But she tracked <em> me </em> down and asked me to work for her? What the hell is wrong with her?" Jenny's voice, after half an hour of complaining, sounds more like a squeak than anything else. Her platinum blonde hair is sticking out in weird positions, giving her the look of a mad person, which is only complimented by the wrinkled black robe hanging from her boney shoulders.</p><p>"Do something, or I'll have her sent to a nut house," Eric slowly grumbles to Dan, closing his eyes momentarily; "And no, the irony isn't lost on me, but as I remember, I wasn't a basket case, I was just trying to rid myself of upper east side."</p><p>"How about we send her to your mom's and just let her be her problem for a while?" Dan silently suggests, and by the small grin Eric gives him, he knows his offer isn't half bad.</p><p>Jenny waves her hand in front of the whispering duo, grunting. "Are you guys even listening? This is serious!" </p><p>"Yes Jenny, it was also serious 4 days ago when you told me the whole story, and also serious when I tried to get you your job back from my ex girlfriend, to whom I hadn't spoken for a year." Dan retorts back, and is met with a soft glare from his sister.</p><p>"Thanks about that, you didn't need to do that."</p><p>"I know I didn't, and what I'm saying is that <em> this </em>is pointless. Move on from this shitty job, Jenny. You deserve better." He concludes, trying his best to not sound admonitory.</p><p>She nods so hard, Dan is afraid her head might fall off. The necklace she is wearing jingles, a silver layered padlock that is apparently a gift from Eric. The boy can pick a gift, Dan thinks, impressed, and suppresses his urge to laugh when he suddenly remembers the 20000 dollar watch Serena had tried to give him.</p><p>"I want this <em> shitty </em> job, okay? I've worked hard in it. She can't just throw me out without even so much of a recommendation letter! After I slept 12 hours a <em> week </em> when she insisted on opening that stupid store in Brooklyn-"</p><p>She suddenly has all of his interest, and he feels guilty for a second, thinking how much of a selfish ass he must be. "Insisted? Why?"</p><p>Eric tosses a grape inside his mouth and shrugs. "That's the burning question. No one really knows why she was so set on about it. It's probably a bold investment, I guess."</p><p>"Who cares? We have bigger problems here-" Jenny interrupts, and again only gains growls from the two boys.</p><p>"Then go beg for your job back." Eric says, and Dan is torn between thanking him or heying him for using a harsh tone with his sister. With a look at the mess her sister is pulling off, he decides to do the prior one; he lays a hand on the guy's shoulder, a hand that only sits there a moment before Eric moves forward to put his arm around Jenny.</p><p>"You're crazy." He says, and even if he is serious, the girl laughs. </p><p>"I know. But this meant the world to me, I don't have anything else. Not a boyfriend, or friends, or hobbies, or literally <em> anything </em>."</p><p>Dan just has to correct her. "Well not <em> literally </em>, you're using the word wrong."</p><p>The deadly glare she shoots at him is enough of an answer, yet she also narrows her eyes before saying, "Shut up, Dan."</p><p> The note of desperation in her voice is too strong for Dan to ignore. "I'll ask Serena to talk to her." He says, sighing, and by the way his sister's eyes start to shine, he knows the awkward conversation will be worth it.</p><p>"Thank you thank you thank you!" She cheers, locking her arms around his neck and pulling him into a hug. "You're the best." She tries to whisper in his ear, an attempt that is useless, given by the way Eric smiles sweetly at them and makes a gagging sound.</p><p>Oh this is going to be uncomfortable as hell.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>He honestly doesn't remember how he and Serena end up being okay again; he used to think there are things that can't be ever forgiven, and certainly filming one's ex having sex to get back at said one's bestfriend fits into that category pretty well. However, he finds himself calling Serena when he is still back in Italy one day, hammered, with his body spread on his uncomfortable mattress, crying gently because of Blair. Then he calls her again the next day to apologize, then the next week to ask how she is doing. They make a routine out of it, him complaining about his blocked pen and her about how she has started to develop feelings for an oblivious Nate.</p><p>He congratulates her the day she gets together with Nate, and she does the same when he tells her he has finished the first chapter of his new book. They become friends again and accept the always conquered parts of their hearts that belong to one another, yet moving past it with a dignity that only comes after 6 years of unnecessary drama.</p><p>That is why in the current moment, he can sit in front of her and look at her shining laugh and rumpled blonde hair and only feel a warm security, one he can now count as one of the few steady things in his life.</p><p>"I'll talk to her, but I have to warn you, she probably won't come around." She says and takes a sip of her latte, looking into Dan's eyes with an apologetic glare. "You know how she is. Plus, even though she always admitted to Jenny's talent, she has never truly liked her."</p><p>He feels annoyed, the way he used to do when he was 16 and witnessed Blair push his formerly naive sister around. "I don't care if she likes her; Blair liking someone doesn't say anything about them except that they are probably horrible."</p><p>"Hey!" She protests, smiling, "She likes <em> me </em>."</p><p>"I said probably."</p><p>She laughs, biting the corner of her lip. "Well thank you, but anyway, I'll talk to her. She's in a good mood, she might listen to reason."</p><p>He forgets the promise he has made to himself and spits out a bitter response; "Scheming behind some poor girl's back, I presume?"</p><p>Serena suddenly looks flushed and unsettled, taking a large sip of her drink. Dan can read her like one of his classics after all these years, easy and with no real trouble. "What?" He asks, stubbornly, and is somewhat panicked by the way she takes a deep breath.</p><p>"She is throwing her engagement party." She explains, shortly, stealing her eyes away from his.</p><p>He probably should feel <em> more </em>, more of anything really, but he is washed out, not bothered by these things after the heartbreak he has endured. It's like how his father has given in, waiting for Lily to make up her mind about their future, with him only watching from the bench as she plays different games. He bitterly realises he has become like his dad, but not in a way he has always hoped to; not into a calm and kind father figure, but into a sad and ever living ghost of what he once had been.</p><p>"Oh." He says, and shakes his hand disparagingly to let her know he is okay. "Use the narrow window to your advantage then."</p><p>"I will. Putting this stupid topic aside, how's your book going?"</p><p>Oh, the dreaded question. "It'll come out in a week, actually. I'll do my book signing in the book store I did my last one, and there's a small party too, in three days."</p><p>She looks a bit offended. "You're telling me now? Weren't you planning on inviting me?"</p><p>He clears his throat. "After the disaster the last one was, I begged Alessandra to just let the idea go, but she seemed pretty set on it, so I figured I'd just not tell you guys and pretend it doesn't exist."</p><p>"Dan!"</p><p>"What?" He asks, angelically, and she just nods her head. </p><p>"Sorry, but we're all gonna be there. Rufus will never forgive you, you know. And an unforgiving Rufus is a pretty hard pill to swallow, I'll tell you."</p><p>"Lily's not having an easy time, is she?" He concludes, and tries to leave the bitterness out of his tone.</p><p>"No. But she deserves it, I'm tired of her always throwing away the good things in her life. At least this time she's having a hard time about it."</p><p>"They're engaged again, how can they be so miserable?" He says and is rewarded with an agreeing gaze from her.</p><p>"She's still hung up on Bart's stuff. He's missing and I guess she feels responsible somehow, I don't know." She huffs a breath out, "God, I think I'm  starting to get better at not being like my mother, it's a relief."</p><p>He smiles. "Yes. Yes, it is."</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>"Is this the right tie?" Rufus asks, and Dan vaguely remembers one of Blair's first rules about choosing a tie: <em> 'Always try to go with a shade darker than your shirt, Humphrey. But of course you are color blind, so I don't even know why I'm bothering.' </em></p><p>"Wear the dark red one." He says, eyeing the light pink button down his dad is wearing. "You sure you want to wear this?"</p><p>Rufus shakes his head. "Yes. Lily's wearing red, I thought I'd try and match."</p><p>Dan scatters a pile of his own ties on the bed and groans. "Why are you all making such a big deal out of this? It's just a party, a pretty boring one at that too." He says and chooses the jade green one that he thinks goes well with his light purple shirt.</p><p>"This is your book, son. Don't steal the pleasure away from us."</p><p>"Yes well, the pleasure won't last long when you'll have to talk to a bunch of upper east siders Serena invited to 'help me get support for future.'" He says, air quoting the last part.</p><p>"She knows what she is doing, let her do her job, Dan." Rufus says, distracted, and yells out his daughter's name; "Hurry up, Jenny! Eric and Lily are waiting in the car."</p><p>"Fine, fine, coming." She shouts back and rushes towards the door, holding a black purse that looks too dark against her shining orange dress. </p><p>"You look beautiful." Dan says, feeling old just looking at his younger sister in a dress he can only call breathtaking.</p><p>"Thanks. Let's go."</p><p> </p><p>Not 15 minutes later, he is yanked into an empty room by his collar, feeling choked for a moment. "What the hell?"</p><p>"No one can see you, remember?" Alessandra reminds him, the familiar intense ardour sewed to her expression. "Wait here. Read a book, have a drink -only <em> one </em>- to calm your nerves."</p><p>He chuckles. "I'm not nervous, Alessandra. Gotten too used to nerve wrecking parties to get anxious about them."</p><p>"Whatever. Do <em> not </em> come out in the next 20 minutes, okay? We need to paint an aura of mystery around you. And about the girl you dedicated this book to,"</p><p>"She couldn't be here." He cuts her off, not in the mood for one of her infamous speeches about amassing sponsors.</p><p>"Okay. I'll go and try to talk you up." She says, waving her hand, "<em>Don't </em> come out."</p><p>He sighs. "Wouldn't even if the room were on fire."</p><p> </p><p>Half an hour later, Serena flies inside, holding a martini that she offers him with a sympathetic smile. "Having fun?" She asks, and he sees the oh so familiar devilish look in her blue eyes.</p><p>"Unfortunately for you, I guess I'm having more fun than you are." He shoots back and from the way her face crumples, he knows the arrow has landed right on the spot.</p><p>"Please, Dan, I've seen worse." She says, "But I think I have to tell you something that'll probably make you prefer to stay here."</p><p>He has never liked - and will never like- her dramatic build ups before a speech. "What?" He asks and she bites her lip nervously.</p><p>"Blair's here. I invited her, I thought it'd be a good opportunity for you to have a firm talk with her; about Jenny's job."</p><p>To call what he is feeling 'shock' would be inaccurate; it feels more like a really good plan gone wrong, the plan to not have to talk to Blair again. </p><p>"And she came?" He needs to be sure, to grip to a reality he is not certain he can believe. Such an out of character move for Blair Waldorf, he briefly thinks.</p><p>"Yes. I'm sorry if I overstepped anything, I didn't mean to-"</p><p>He needs her to stop talking. "It's fine. Thank you."</p><p>It will be good for him; to rip off the bandage, quickly and less painful than the alternative, he decides. The clock shows 35 minutes past 8 and he is both hungry and annoyed, and he tells himself at least he now has a good excuse to get out of the room and get some food. Blair Waldorf as an excuse, he thinks, and laughs internally.</p><p>He opens the door with an unnecessary force, coming face to face with a crowd of people whose eyes all immediately turn to him. There is a moment of silence before a loud round of applause fills the room, the sound reminding Dan of the joys of being appreciated.</p><p>"Hello everyone, thank you all for coming, I hope you all enjoy your evening." He says, raising his glass, "To all of you."</p><p>Almost everyone takes a sip, and he uses this as an opportunity to find the person he is looking for. It takes him less than a minute to spot her, in an olive green dress he assumes costs more than half of his closet. Their eyes interlock, and the romantic inside Dan wants to grasp the moment and declare it as fireworks in the sky. The shattered hearted young man however, knows better to do so. He takes long steps towards her, and is surprised when she starts walking to him too.</p><p>"Well, well, Humphrey! This party is even duller than you are." She says, and without the vulnerability that came with her drunk self the other night, she just seems cold and distant. </p><p>"Hello, Blair." He says, trying to take his displeasure under control, "You know you always have the option of not attending, right?" He is disgusted by how he sounds like a 5 year old playing diddo.</p><p>"Yes, well, Serena begged me to come and rescue <em> this </em>," She points around the room with one hand, "Thing you call a party. But as I see it, nothing can really improve the bland quality you put into everything."</p><p>Sometimes, he now remembers, Blair is just simply and deliberately cruel. No agenda or scheme involved, she just seems to enjoy watching the hurt flow in someone else's eyes. He used to think she had grown out of it, truly admiring her for how she tried to fight her demons, yet he now decides that being with Chuck hasn't really helped her with the matter.</p><p>"I have no intention of standing here and quarreling with you over something that can't matter less to me, Blair." He says with a firm tone, "I will make my request short and to the point."</p><p>She snorts. "Can you ever make <em> anything </em> short and to the point, Humphrey? You always hyper blab about everything."</p><p>Her attempt to get a rise out of him is really remarkable, but he decides to brush her comment off in a way he knows will go into her head. "For whatever stupid reason, my sister seems to want that job, Blair. I know she single handedly runs one of your stores in Brooklyn and she is great at what she does. Let's be mature about this, give her the job back."</p><p>She smiles sweetly, patting on his shoulder. "And why would I do that?"</p><p>His heart skips a beat before saying what he knows will either make the situation much worse or much better. "Because you owe it to me."</p><p>Her eyes widen in what seems to be sheer shock. "I <em> owe </em> it to you? Correct me if I'm wrong, Humphrey, but you slept with my best friend. Am I wrong?"</p><p>"You never answered my text." He spits out, and for the first time in the night, he can see something flicker in her eye, something close to guilt.</p><p>"So what? My lack of answer wasn't a clear enough message for you?"</p><p>"I had been your best friend for a really long time, Blair. I think you know it wasn't enough." He says and sighs deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, "Look. I don't care about that, alright? I'm somewhat glad about how things turned out, it got me to writing this new book. What I want -the only thing I want- is for you to be rational about the whole Jenny thing."</p><p>There is a moment of pause before she jams her glass into his hand and snarls. "Tell her if she is a <em> minute </em> late on monday, I'll make sure she won't get another job in the industry." She says, and lowers her voice, "Don't think this was for you, Brooklyn, I just got tired of your pathetic begging."</p><p>She turns around and walks away, her bare back covered with layers of brown hair.</p><p>He tries hard to fight the smile that threatens to appear on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>When he signs the first copy of his book to his dad, he leaves a note he knows will bring tears into the man's eyes;</p><p>'<em> For the man who taught me love, courage, and kindness; my hero, my idol, my rock. To my dad.' </em></p><p>Even though the tears in Rufus's eyes are about to spill, he manages to hold them back long enough to hug his son, whispering "I am proud of you" in his ear.</p><p>Jenny snorts.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She chews on her perfectly colored lips when reading the reviews for 'Life' and blinks rapidly, looking at a certain one said by a New York Time's critic.</p><p>'The book 'Life' encourages you to question your way of living, pushing you to discover the meanings of existence the same way its main female character does. A fresh and unique book to enjoy, another success from Dan Humphrey, the writer of the famous novel 'Inside''</p><p>She almost devoured the book the day it came out, too ashamed to admit it to even Dorota, yanking the package out of the maid's hands when she had tried to read its label.</p><p>'To Hasti, the sun and the moon rolled into one person, shining every minute of every day, keeping my life alive.'</p><p>She had read it with such jealousy it had shocked her, with her desperately trying not to think about the reasons behind said emotion. </p><p>The read had been pretty good and easy, Classic Dan Humphrey's overthinking and punctiliousness clear in every line. She had found herself envious of the main character, a free spirited mature girl enjoying whatever life has provided her with. She was a more enjoyable version of Serena, which made her all the more enviable.</p><p>Maybe that is the main cause that fules her to read every comment about the book, scrolling down with a huff each time someone has called the girl great, likeable, or in one case 'all that is good about life'.</p><p>She closes her laptop shot with a soft grumble and stands up from her chair, suddenly craving a glass of mimosa to suppress the weird energy flowing inside her chest.</p><p>"Dorota! Bring me a glass of mimosa please." She yells out, and even after all these years is still surprised by how fast Dorota obbeys her command.</p><p>The maid puts a tall glass in front of her, accompanied by a plate full of berries. "Have this. Antioxidants, miss Blair. You getting weak."</p><p>Blair drinks a huge gulp, so unlady like it earns a stare from Dorota. "What? I'm thirsty and this is absolutely refreshing." She protests and closes her lips around a strawberry while Dorota moves to make the bed.</p><p>"I read mr Humphrey's book. So good and pretty." She says and Blair almost chokes on her mimosa, the alcohol burning her throat. </p><p>"How? It came out yesterday!" She says before realizing what her sentence suggests, but from the way Dorota's expression remains unchanged, it is clear she had already known.</p><p>"So you read it too? It was that package you get yesterday."</p><p>She feels irritated. "Not the point, Dorota. Where did <em> you </em> get the book?"</p><p>Suddenly Dorota almost looks scared, taking the plate in front of Blair and going for the door. "I go get you some more fruit, miss Blair. You wait right-"</p><p>"Dorota!" She almost roars out, surprised by how ill mannered she sounds for the second time in the morning.</p><p>The maid turns back, and the unease swimming in her eyes makes Blair absently think she must be doing a good job as an employer. "He send me a signed copy yesterday." She admits, her voice small, and Blair can easily say she has never been so shocked by Dorota.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>Dorota fiddles with the corners of her dress anxiously. "He said he send one for all his friends."</p><p>"Go bring your copy. Go on." She says, ignoring the unwillingness in Dorota's movements. She comes back not a minute later, reaching the book in front of her with a small tremble in her hand.</p><p>
  <em> 'To Dorota, because you just know me so well.' </em>
</p><p>She eyes Dorota in annoyance and huffs a breath out. "You and your crush on Humphrey. Need I remind you that you are married and have two children?"</p><p>Dorota blushes so hard, it's almost comical. "Not a crush on Mr. Humphrey, only a friend." She mutters, and despite her best efforts, Blair laughs silently.</p><p>"I'll call and tell him to stop harassing you then." She says, and before Dorota can dive for her phone, she dials Dan's number and is answered after one beep.</p><p>"Blair?" The surprise in his voice is so thick, it angers her. This isn't <em> that </em>out of the ordinary now, is it?</p><p>"You know that Dorota is married, right? Don't you have the tiniest sense of decency?"</p><p>She refuses to acknowledge how his laughter gives her lotion covered skin goosebumps. "You are deranged, Blair." He says.</p><p>"And you are a homewrecker."</p><p>She hears him snort after a short laugh. "How about we discuss this over coffee? You can yell at me all you want, and I promise to nod in agreement every two minutes."</p><p>There is a light joy in her tone -one she can't shake off- when she accepts; "I will text you an address, and please try to look decent at least. I'm not having coffee with a muppet."</p><p>He laughs again, and she wonders: when did they get <em> here </em>?</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>The second time it's lunch two days later, in a restaurant she picks, <em> 'None of that bitch Gossip Girl's minions will see us here.' </em></p><p> </p><p>The third time it's a walk in central park, during which she admits to reading his book and the smug look on his face when she calls it 'adequate' is both charming and infuriating.</p><p> </p><p>The fourth time is when Nate catches them watching 'Gone with the wind' when looking for Eric in the loft, and he simply gives Dan an odd look before closing the door. Two hours later Serena stops by Blair and Chuck's apartment, and only nods, unconvinced, when Blair insists that she and Dan are just friends.</p><p> </p><p>The fifth time, their picture ends up on Gossip Girl, so she is ready when Chuck asks her about it.</p><p>"We're friends, Chuck. That's all."</p><p>He seems dubious enough to make her feel guilty. She kisses him, runs her fingers through his hair and unties his bowtie, tossing it somewhere in the room. </p><p>"It's just Humphrey." She whispers in his ear, and feels at fault for the dim unsureness she hears in her own voice.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>At first, Nate only lightly asks him what is going on. After a while, he starts to be more firm and accusing. During their last argument, he says something that decomposes him.</p><p>"You're doing what Chuck did to you."</p><p>Dan feels agitated, thrown back to being the 16 year old outsider that nagged about how the upper east siders loyalties seemed to always lie with each other at the end of the day. "I don't remember you protesting to <em> Chuck </em> when he did it though." He snarls.</p><p>Nate doesn't seem bothered. "You're better than this, man. Their engagement party is in two days. Can you honestly tell me you guys are just friends when you watch the two of them together?"</p><p>His heartbeat speeds up. "I'm not coming to that. I told her when she invited me."</p><p>The other boy shakes his head. "That's not the point, man. You'll end up seeing them sooner or later." He sighs, "Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better."</p><p>Dan closes his eyes. Maybe, for the first time in his life, he only cares about what he wants, not what he deserves.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>The next day is what he years later likes to call the most surreal day of his life, when Blair rushes through his door, ignores Jenny's hello and pulls him out by his hand, pushing him inside a limo.</p><p>"What the hell is going on?"</p><p>She gives him a fake smile. "What in the world do you mean, Humphrey? Can't a <em> friend </em> abduct a <em> friend </em> for a day of fun?"</p><p>He makes a grunting sound. "You know, there are moments that I simply don't understand why we are friends."</p><p>"Don't be a sissy, Humphrey. We are going to have a day of fun."</p><p>"You have a party in two days, Blair. Excuse me if I don't buy that you want a <em> day of fun </em>. You should be yelling at a poor staff man about flower arrangements right now."</p><p>She glues her eyes to the floor of the limo, her voice smaller than he remembers it ever being. "Help me get through today."</p><p>Right in that moment, he realizes he has thrown all the closure he has built away, as his heart races and he wants nothing more than to wipe the sad expression off her face. "Sure."</p><p>She smiles shortly, before going back to her fierce self in a blink of an eye. Her stinging jokes start feeling like home to him, as he vaguely remembers how he used to love her witty banters a year ago.</p><p>The car stops in front of her old penthouse, and before he can wrap his head around it, he is looking at the spiral staircase and the checkered floor.</p><p>"Dorota's at our place," She says, clearing her throat, "We're alone here. I will bring some dvds, and you go fetch me a drink. As I recall, you were an awful bartender, so try and not suck this time."</p><p>He goes into the kitchen and pours them two glasses of the first wine he finds - a Frontera merlot sitting on the counter. He takes a huge gulp and refills his glass, taking a deep breath to calm himself.</p><p>The opening credits for 'Rebecca' are playing on the screen when he tosses himself beside her, putting a good foot of distance between them. She however, seems to disagree, as she scoots closer to him, her breath tickling his neck whenever she laughs. She gasps when Maxim learns about Rebecca's cancer, as if she doesn't know the movie by heart and soul. </p><p>He finds himself watching her instead of the tv, how her long lashes shadow on her pale face and her lips twist into a faded smile, one she doesn't notice him noticing. After a few moments, however, she looks up, her brown eyes shining brighter than the screen.</p><p>"You're missing the good parts, Humphrey."</p><p>He exhales silently. "I don't care."</p><p>It's a soft brush at first, then a more lasting press, and before either of them know, it turns into clattering lips and teeth, roaming tongues, sharp moans.</p><p>"Dan," She pants, and God, he doesn't care; about truth, morality, even life itself. She murmurs his name against his lips again and again, until she stops, pulling away, and he is almost scared to open his eyes.</p><p>"Dan, this-"</p><p>"Please don't." He begs, because he knows the tone too well to be oblivious to its meaning. She closes her eyes again.</p><p>"I'm engaged."</p><p>In the moment, he finds out how poorly he had put together the pieces of his heart, for they shatter again, easier than before, with just a hint of the rejection in her voice.</p><p>"Please;" His thumb is still on her cheek and it gets wet, a tear rolling down on it.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>That is all he needs to hear to know hope is lost.</p><p>He cries in the cab.</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>It has been a magnificent party, as everyone keeps telling him. He wouldn't know. He had been drunk and inside another woman's arms at the time.</p><p>He will never know.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you think please.❤</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed it! Let me hear your ideas and suggestion, and I will try to take them into account. :)))</p></blockquote></div></div>
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